عيد الأم والقسوس!!!

تحتفل معظم الدول العربية في منطقة الشرق الأوسط وشمال أفريقيا بعيد الأم في الحادي والعشرين من شهر آذار مارس من كل سنة، لذا فإن يوم الغد هو يوم الـ.... في الحقيقة... لست أدري تماما

سوف يتولى موقع التواص الاجتماعي فيسبوك مهمة إبلاغنا بتقارير مفصلة عما سيحدث خلال الساعات القيلة القادمة حيث قد بدأ البعض فعلا بإضافة صور لهم برفقة أمهاتهم وبعض الأمهات قد شاركن صورا للهدايا التي استلمنها ولخطة الاحتفال أيضا... إنه لأمر شيق أن نتابع الطريقة "الفيسبوكية" التي يعبر بها الناس عن مشاعرهم حول هذا اليوم، وهذا أمر جيد ولكن ما يؤلمني هو التفكير بأولئك الفيسبوكيين الصامتين الذين يتابعون ما يحدث ولكنهم غير قادرين على المشاركة في الاحتفال. لو حاولت أن أصنف هذه المجموعة من الناس في مجموعات أصغر أجدني أفكر في الأبناء والبنات الذين فقدن أمهاتهم، وأفكر في الأرامل من النساء والرجال، وأفكر في الزوجات اللواتي لم ينجبن، وأفكر في البنات اللاتي لم يتزوجن، ولكنني أفكر أيضا في مجموعة اختبرت أقسى أنواع الألم برأيي وهو ألم فقدان ابن أو ابنة فالساعات القادمة لن تكون سهلة بالنسبة لأولئك الأمهات الثكالى. أنا أعي تماما أنهن دائمات التفكير بأبنائهم كل ساعة من كل يوم ولكن يوم غد على وجه التحديد سيكون أحد أصعب أيام السنة.

نحن كأسرة لا نولي اهتماما كبيرا لعيد الأم، في عائلتي كنا نحتفل بأن ندعو والدتي إلى غداء فاخر في مطعم مشهور ثم نزور جدتي لأمي ونجلب الهدايا لكلتيهما ولخالتي أيضا ثم نختم يومنا ببعضة معايدات هاتفية. أتذكر تقليدا اعتده في كنيستي الإنجيلية المشخية بدمشق يوم الأحد الذي يسبق عيد الأم حيث كانت بضعة سيدات تقفن على باب الكنيسة ويعطين الأمهات الواصلات إلى الخدمة الصباحية وردة حمراء (أو يثبتنها بدبوس على صدورهن) أما "أمهات المستقبل" فكن يستلمن وردة بيضاء وكنت أنا بكل فخر أنتمي لمجموعة حاملات الورود البيضاء.

في يوم 21 آذار/مارس سنة 2006 مر شهران على خطوبتي فأصبحت تلك الوردة البيضاء تعني لي الكثير

في يوم 21 آذار/مارس سنة 2007 و 2008 بدأت أحتفل بعيد الأم في مصر بصفتي "مدام" وانقطعت تلك الورود البيضاء

في يوم 21 آذار/مارس سنة 2008 كنت حبلى بإبننا الأول وبدأت رسميا الاحتفال بعيد الأم كأم أو على عتبار ما سيكون قريبا جدا

ومنذ ذلك اليوم بدأت الأمور تتغير، وكان التغيير مستمرا

ففي يوم 21 آذار/مارس سنة 2010 شاركنا ابني الاحتفال

في يوم 21 آذار/مارس سنة 2011 كنت حبلى بابنتنا

في يوم 21 آذار/مارس سنة 2012 انظمت ابنتي للأسرة واحتفلتُ لأول مرة كأم لطفلين اثنين

من المتوقع ألا يختلف يوم 21 آذار/مارس سنة 2013 عن سابقه، ولكن قد ظهر الاختلاف ليس لأسباب سيئة، لا قدر الله، ولكن لأسباب كامنة تختبئ قليلا تحت السطح في انتظار من سيجدها عندما يحفر أعمق بقليل من جملة "كيف حالك؟"

منذ بضعة أسابيع، وبالصدفة البحتة، قام عدد من صديقاتي (في نفس الوقت) بتغيير صورهن على فيسبوك. جدير بالذكر أنهن متزوجات ولديهن أطفال فمن البديهي بمكان أن تكون صورهن السابقة لزوجين سعيدين أو أسرة حديثة أو مولود جديد أو أبناء قد كبروا ولكن صديقاتي قد تجرأن على تغيير صورهن واستبدالها بصور لهن!! وحيدات!! كالعازبات!! بَدَون أقرب إلى الأميرات كل منهن تنتظر أميرها ممتطيا صهوة جواد أبيض يأخذها لعيشا بسعادة إلى الأبد تماما كما يحدث في الحكايات!

هذا تصرف لا غبار عليه نهائيا فعندما انضممت إلى فيسبوك منذ سنوات عدة كنت متزوجة وكان لدي الوقت الكافي لأختار نوع الصور التي سأشاركها ولكنني كنت أختار فقط صورا لي برفقة زوجي ثم صورا لورقة مطبوعة استلمناها من طبيب الأشعة يظهر فيها جنيننا وبعدها توالت قطع الدومينو في التساقط متلاحقة واحدة تلك الآخرى ومنذ ذلك الحين لم أضع صورة قط لي لوحدي وبدا الأمر عاديا إلى أن رأيت ما اقترفَته صديقاتي وأصابتني الصدمة. لقد شعرت بأن هذا الأمر غريب بل وغير مقبول... لكن لماذا؟ لماذا كنت رافضة للفكرة؟ فاجأتني ردة فعلي تلك، استوقفتني فلزم أن أقضي وقتا في التفكير: إذا كان لدي الآن زوج وأطفال، لماذا يتعذر علي، بل وأعتبره أمرا غير مقبول، أن أضع صورة لنفسي، صورة رائعة وحديثة، ليست صورة من أرشيف المدرسة الثانوية... لماذا؟

سألت نفسي أسئلة عن هويتي؟ عن الـ"أنا" وكيف أن كلمة "أنانية" في العربية تشبه كلمة "سيلفشنس" بالإنجليزية حيث تبدأ بكلمة أنا ،"سيلف"، هل قامت الأمومة بمحو تلك الـ"أنا"؟ أم أنني أنا من اقترفت هذا الذنب؟ أم أنه هرمون "أمومي" قد أعاد هندسة خلايا دماغي لتفكر فقط في الأولاد واحتياجاتهم والطعام والزوج والمنزل والميزانية والمستقبل والقوائم اللانهائية لمهمات عليّ القيام بها وكلها مرتبط بالآخرين وليس بي أنا... لست أرجّح هنا كفة الأنانية أوأن أكون أما أنانية لكنني فقط أفكر في كينونتي كأم، بل في كينونتي أصلا.

لذا فقد وضعتُ أمامي تحديا يخص هدية عيد الأم التي سأقدمها لنفسي هذا العام (بالمناسبة: أنا هو الشخص المسؤول أن يجلب الهدايا لنفسي في عيد ميلادي وفي المناسبات الخاصة) وكانت الهدية هي أن أغير صورت حسابي على فيسبوك وأضع صورة لي أنا، أحدث وأجمل صورة لي وحدي... لكني (الصدمة الثانية) لم أجد ولا واحدة... لم أجد أية صورة في كاميرتنا لأنني أنا هو "المصوراتي" في الأسرة ولم أجد أية صورة من الصور الرائعة التي تلتقطها صديقتنا العزيزة ماجي (حتى أثناء جلسات التصوير في عيد القيامة وعيد الميلاد الماضيين لم يخطر ببالي وسط كل التفاصيل والتحضيرات التي كنت أقوم بها أن أقول: "يا ماجي! أريد منك رجاء أن تلتقطي لي صورة مع الأولاد، أو صورة لي أنا فقط لو سمحتي") لم أجد صورة التقطها أحد ما لي في عرس أو احتفال ما مؤخرا ولم أرغب في أن أقص أية صورة جماعية لأبقي على وجهي أنا فقط، فكرت في صور الهوية ولكننا مؤخرا لم نحتج لأي تأشيرة سفر أو أوراق رسمية وآخر مرة ذهبت فيها إلى ستوديو تصوير كان لألتقط بعض الصور لابني وابنتي معا.

قررت تغيير الخطة فسأشتري إذا لنفسي شيئا مميزا ومفيدا، لذا فكرت، ما هو الأمر الذي أتقنه؟ ما هو النشاط المفضل عندي؟ ما هي نقاط القوة؟ لأنني أردت أن أجد الأمر الذي أجيده تماما لكي أشتري هدية مناسبة ولكن المفاجأة (الصدمة الثالثة) كانت أنني اكتشفت بأني لست ماهرة في فعل أي شيء، ولكنني في الوقت نفسه أنا من يقوم بكل شيء! علي أن أؤكد هنا أن زوجي متفهم ومدعم ومساعد للغاية (مرحبا حبيبي! تابع القراءة) ولكن عند غياب خطة واضحة أو طلب محدد أو عرض كريم فإن "ماما" هي تلقائيا من يقوم بكل المهام أو من يُطلب منها كل الطلبات، هكذا تسير الأمور في أسرتنا والعديد من العائلات الآخرى. أنا لست أتكلم حصريا عن الواجبات المنزلية أو المهام المتعلقة بالأبناء فقط ولكنني أساهم في المدخول المادي للمنزل من خلال عملي في الترجمة وفي مشروع "رهاميات" أنا أيضا السواق الذي يأخذ الأولاد إلى المدرسة والحضانة أيا كانت الطاقة الجسمية والنفسية التي تتطلبها قيادة السيارة في بلادنا إضافة لأيام العطلات فأنا من يأخذ الأولاد في نزهات ليستمتعوا بوقتهم خارج المنزل وعند انقطاع التيار الكهربائي فأنا من يتسلق أحد عشر طابقا مع طفلين (نصيحة على الهامش: نحن نصعد 7 طوابع دفعة واحدة ثم نستريح في الطابق السابع ونكمل المهمة الشاقة في صعود الطوابق الأربعة المتبقية).

في وسط زحمة الأفكارتلك قررت أن أخفف عن نفسي بأن أفكرفي زوجي، زوجي قسيس وأنا برأيي (وتلك نظرية تحتمل الصواب والخطأ) أن القسوس يشبهون الأمهات إلى حد كبير.

 إن العمل كقس هو عمل بأجر مدفوع ولكن الراتب الشهري لا يمكن مقارنته إطلاقا مع الجهد الذي يبذله القسيس 24 ساعة في اليوم ولمدة 7 أيام في الأسبوع وذلك ببساطة لأن وظيفة القس ليست وظيفة إنما هي شكل من أشكال الخدمة والتضحية والتطوع. على نفس الشاكلة فإن الأمهات لا يتقاضين أي أجر لكونهن أمهات ولكن كل واحدة منهم توفر مبلغا ماليا ضخما من خلال ما تقوم به لمجرد أنها تقوم به مجانا فكل ما تفعله الأم هو خدمة وتضحية وتطوع.

كلا الأم والقس في نظر الناس وقتهم "فاضي" إذ يتساءل الجميع عما يفعله القس طوال اليوم أو الأم طوال نهارها في المنزل بينما الحقيقة هي أن الأم والقس يقومان بكل شي داخل المنزل وخارجه، داخل الكنيسة وخارجها.

ليس لدى الأمهات "اختصاص" معين أو نقطة قوة حتى لو كانت الأم قد تخرجت في الكلية بدرجة البكالوريوس أو الماجستير أو حتى الدكتوراه فهي في النهاية ستصبح (وتجد نفسها مجبرة أن تكون) خبيرة في كل شيء لذا تتحول الأم إلى طباخة وجليسة أطفال وعاملة نظافة ومدرّسة وممرضة وسائق... وكل ما يخطر ببال المرء. ليس لدى القساوسة اختصاص فهم يتخرجون في كلة اللاهوت بدرجة البكالوريوس أو حتى الماجستير وقد يغيبون سنة أو أكثر للحصول على شهادة الدكتوراه ولكن فور عودتهم إلى الخدمة في الكنيسة فهم يتحولون إلى اختصاصيي إدارة ومشورة ووعظ وتعليم وتأديب وزيارات وحل مشاكل وفض نزاعات ... وكل ما يخطر ببال المرء، في كنيستنا عندما يتعطل المصعد يتصل الناس بزوجي!

تتمتع معظم الوظائف بساعات عمل محددة يعود بعدها الموظف إلى منزله ويكون "في البيت" مع استثناء الأطباء المناوبين. ولكن الأمهات والقسوس ليس لديهم وقت لانتهاء العمل، لا أجازات ولا عطل نهارا أو ليلا، صيفا أو شتاء، هم دائما "مناوبون" ومهامهم اليومية تغطي ساعات اليوم كله إلى وقت متأخر من الليل عدا عن المؤتمرات والحالات الطارئة التي تجبر الحياة على التوقف لوقت قد يقصر أو يطول.

لذا أود أن أهدي هذا المقال لزوجي ولكل الأمهات اللواتي هن في نفس الوقت زوجات قسوس، لأن الإنسان الذي تتلخص حياته في رعاية الآخرين والاعتناء بهم عندما يتزوج من إنسان آخر حياته أيضا تتلخص في رعاية الآخرين والاعتناء بهم فإن المتوقع هو أن يكون الأبناء أكثر المخلوقات تلقيا للرعاية والاعتناء في العالم بأسره ولكن هذا ليس صحيحا، فالأمر يتطلب قدرا كبيرا من الوعي والعمل الشاق لخلق مناخ صحي في المنزل يحمي فيه أولئك الأبوين أبناءهم من النتائج السلبية الحتمية.

عادة ما لا يفهم الرجال الأمومة بالقدر الكافي: لماذا أجد زوجتي مرهقة طوال الوقت؟ إن الاعتناء بالأبناء أمر سهل ولكن زوجتي تضخم الموضوع، لقد كانت تتوق طيلة حياتها لتصبح أما وها هي الآن دائمة التذمروالشكوى!.... يمكنني أن أكتب عددا لانهائيا من الجمل المشابهة التي يقولها الرجال عن زوجاتهم. الحقيقة هي أن الأم وحدها قادرة على فهم وتفهم تحديات أم أخرى، وبنفس الطريقة فإن القسيس وحده وزوجة القسيس هما فقط الأكثر قدرة على فهم وتفهم تحديات الحياة والخدمة الكنيسة خاصة إذا كانت الخدمة بإخلاص وأمانة إلى أقصى الدرجات.

بناء على ما سبق علي أن أشتري هديتين في عيد الأم، هدية لي وهدية لزوجي مع تمنياتي بعيد أم سعيد لكلينا.

20 آذار/مارس 2014

حقوق الطبع والنشر محفوظة لمدونة "رهاميات" واقتطاع أي جزء من المقال أو أعادة نشره يستلزم الإذن المسبقة من الكاتبة

mother's day and pastors!!!

most countries in the MENA region celebrate Mother's Day on March 21st, so tomorrow is the day for.... well... i don't know exactly

facebook will give us a detailed report of what will be going on during the coming hours as people post photos of them with their mothers, some mothers share photos of great gifts they already received and some plans for celebration too... it's interesting to follow how people "facebookly" express their feelings about the day... which is fine, but it hurts when i think of all the "silent facebookers" out there, who are watching what's going on yet aren't able to join in and "celebrate"... if i categorize them into groups of motherless sons and daughters, widows, childless wives, single girls, i'd have to say that the group experiencing the hardest kind of pain would be mothers who lost a son or daughter... these coming hours won't be easy for them, i know that they carry this pain of loosing a child every hour of every day but tomorrow will sure be one of the most difficult days of the year

as a family we don't stress Mother's Day much, in my family we used to take mom out and treat her to a lunch at a nice restaurant, visit my grandmother, and bring gifts to both ladies and my aunt too, end the day with a few phone calls and that would be it. i remember at my Evangelical Church in Damascus, the Sunday before Mother's Day, a few ladies would stand at the door and hand a red flower to every mother entering the morning service (or pin it to their chest) and a white flower to "future mothers", for many years i proudly received that white flower

on March 21st of 2006 i was already engaged and that white flower meant a lot to me
March 21st of 2007 and 2008 i started celebrating in Egypt as a Mrs. and there were no more white flowers
March 21st of 2009 i was pregnant with our son so i officially started celebrating Mother's Day as a MOTHER myself (or a mother-to-be)
since then things started to change and kept doing so
.
March 21st of 2010 my son celebrated with us
March 21st of 2011 i was pregnant with our daughter
March 21st of 2012 my daughter joined and i celebrated as a mother of TWO.
March 21st of 2013 should be no different than the previous one, but shockingly it IS different, not because of any bad news, God forbid, but for a few subtle reasons hiding right underneath the surface, waiting for somebody to dig a little deeper than the casual "how are you" to find them

a while ago, by mere coincidence, more than one of my friends changed their profile pictures on facebook. they are all married and have kids so of course all their previous profile pictures were of either a couple or the new family or a new baby or the growing kids, but how dare they change it into a picture of themselves... all alone... as if each one of them is an unmarried princess waiting for her prince charming to come on a white horse so they could live together happily ever after!!! there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, when i joined facebook i was already married and had plenty of time to select any kind of profile picture i wanted, still i chose photos of me with my husband, then the ultra sound print out of our embryo, and the domino pieces kept falling...and since then i have never added a photo of me all by myself and never thought it was an issue.
when i saw what my friends did, i got shocked and for some reason i even thought it's inappropriate or weird... but why? WHY was that unacceptable for me? WHY did i unconsciously reject the idea of them changing their pictures this way? i was taken by surprise, i needed to stop and think:  now that i have a husband and two kids, why is it hard for me (and unacceptable for others) to post a photo of a gorgeous me? a FRESH photo may i add not one from the archives of high school albums... why?

this got me thinking of my own identity, the capital "I" not the sound "aaii" which in Arabic indicates pain آي / آه / أخ mush similar to "ouch"
has motherhood gradually erased my "I" and left me with a sheer sound of pain? did i do this to myself? or is it some kind of a mama hormone that changed the wiring of my brain to think of the kids, their needs, food, the husband, the apartment, the finance, the future... the endless lists of things to do all related to OTHERS and not me, not "moi" and not "ana"... it's interesting that SELFishness in Arabic is ANAnya ... also starts with "me"... but i'm not talking about the other extreme of being a selfish mother, i'm just talking about being a mother, or actually just BEING...

so i challenged myself to get a new gift this year on Mother's Day, i'm the one who gets me gifts on my birthday and a few other special occasions, and the gift was to: change my profile picture, post one of me alone, the most recent and wonderful picture i could find of myself... and i found none
no photos taken by our camera (because usually i'm the photographer here) no photos taken by our family's friend Magui, the dear photographer (even during the recent Christmas and last Easter's photo shoots... it never occurred to me in the middle of all the detailed preparations and work i usually do for these photo shoots to say: "hey Magui, could you please take a photo of me with the kids? or ME ALONE?", no photos taken by mistake during a wedding or any recent big event... i didn't want to crop any photos, i even looked for a passport photo but we haven't applied for any document or visa recently and my last visit to a photography studio was to take shots of the two kids together...

change of plan, i thought of buying myself something nice and useful, so what do i do best? what is the thing i like the most? what am i good at? i wanted to find out one area of expertise so i could get a relevant gift but to my surprise (shock number 2) i found out that i'm not an expert at doing anything, yet at the same time i do EVERYTHING around here... well i have to say that my husband is very understanding, supportive, and helpful (hi honey) but if there's no plan and no request or no offer... then MAMA, by default, is the one who automatically jumps (or is asked) to do everything ... this is the way our family is automatically programmed, like many other families... and i'm not talking about house chores and kids' related responsibilities here, no, i also put food on the table (earn money from my work in translation and my Rihamiat project) i also drive the kids to and from their school and nursery (add to it weekends when i take them out so they could have some outdoor fun) when we have no electricity i climb 11 floors with them (tip: we do 7 floors in one shot, rest, then resume and finish the remaining and most difficult 4 floors) ...

to feel less bad (not "good" or "better" yet) i thought of my husband, he's a pastor, and in my opinion pastors are pretty much like mothers, it's a paid job, yes, but the payment is NOTHING compared to what they do 24/7 simply because it's less of a job and more of a service and sacrifice (volunteering, ministry, خدمة), mothers don't get paid (even though they save a FORTUNE out of what they do just because they do it for free) so everything a mother does is a service and a sacrifice. so both mothers and pastors do "nothing" in people's eyes but the truth is that they do EVERYTHING (at home and outside / at church and outside)

mothers have no special area of strength, even if they graduate with a BA or a BS, an MA or a PhD...they are expected (and forced) to do everything, so they become experts in cooking, baby sitting, cleaning, teaching, nursing... you name it
pastors too have no special area of expertise, they graduate from the School of Theology with a BA or an MA, even if they take a few years off to get a PhD, once they get back they do everything at church and become experts in counseling, preaching, teaching, disciplining, visiting, problem solving... you name it. sometimes when the elevator is broken at our church people call my husband!

most jobs have a certain amount of work hours, once the person gets home, then he's home (except for doctors when they are on call) but moms and pastors have no time off, day or night, summer or winter, they are always ON CALL, they get no vacations or any other kind of privileges from their work, their regular duties already fill their entire day till a very late hour into the night, not to mention conferences and emergencies that put everything else on hold

so i'd like to dedicate this post to my husband, and also to all mothers who are at the same time pastor's wives, because when a person whose whole existence is about "nurturing" marries another person whose whole existence is also about "nurturing" then you'd expect their own kids to be the most nurtured kids in the whole wide world (WWW. wel-com 2 my life), but unfortunately this is not true, it takes a great deal of awareness and hard work to maintain a healthy environment at home. roles of mom and dad in such a family can sometimes get intertwined and there comes the role of both parents to shield their kids against possible and definite negative results

men usually don't get it when it comes to mothers, why is my wife constantly exhausted? it's easy to look after the kids, my wife must be exaggerating, she was waiting her whole life to become a mother and now she's complaining... i could think of an endless number of similar sentences, so it's a fact that only a fellow-mother TRULY understands the challenges of another mother. in the same way, only a fellow-pastor and a fellow-pastor's wife TRULY understands what it's like to serve and dedicate your life to church ministry to the fullest and most faithful extent ever

now i have to get two gifts on Mother's Day, one for myself and one for my husband. Happy Mother's Day to us both...

photo cutline : speaking of great photos, another shot by the one and only Magui Samir taken last week after the ordination of 2 new elders and 3 new deacons (including the first female elder) at our church

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!

smart phones, stupid relationships

my phone is a "dumbphone" which should be the opposite of a smartphone simply because the latter has internet access, a big touch screen (or the tiniest keys ever) and in some cases people who own one of the larger smartphones look like they're taking a nap on a book while making a phone call...

i've been thinking a lot lately about smartphones and their use, why do people buy smartphones to start with? if you have enough extra money and you can afford the latest technological device then why not! own a trendy gadget because manufacturers had YOU in mind when they proudly developed and announced the arrival of their baby, but what really makes me wonder is the way people with less money prioritize their expenditure. what on earth could make the purchase of a smartphone more important than adding another piece of furniture to my almost-empty apartment so EVERYONE in the family can benefit from? this question leads to a series of other questions like: how much money am i giving to people who can't afford essentials like bread or clothes? (street children, Syrian refugees... you name it) when was the last time i donated to NGO's who look after these marginalized people? or hospitals and research centers or orphanages and old people's homes? speaking of homes, let's not look too far away, will speak of my own family members, don't my children's have certain essential needs which i can't afford? YET i miraculously find enough money for a smartphone and i go and purchase one!!!

it's none of my business how people spend the money they have, or the money they don't have, but it became increasingly MY BUSINESS once i found out that the reason people claim smartphones to be on top of the "bare necessities" list is the need to STAY IN TOUCH, it's essential for communication, specially when you have relatives and friends living overseas, you need the cheapest fastest latest chatting apps that can only be added to or included in an expensive smartphone

oh, so let's say i bought this device (which means more yelling at my kids if they dare touch it) to stay in touch with loved ones, to maintain SMART relationships, and have instant communication options with everybody (which is also important for my job... i won't get into that, then i'll lose my position and no one else will tell you about my theory)

i did not buy one, yet, so i can only speak from an "outsider's" point of view and let me tell you, straight forward, about a fact that i've discovered and am willing to prove by statistics and scientific evidence:
YOUR SMARTPHONE is gradually unknowingly leading you to STUPID RELATIONSHIPS

when a person like myself, sits at a real computer with a real keyboard and types one line after the other to just say hi, or check how my friends and relatives (near and far) are doing, or answer somebody's question, or comment on something/photos someone shared... this is the first step of a REAL communication in a REAL relationship

ok, only face-to-face conversations should classify as REAL in that sense, but when mail appeared back in the 16?? 's written letters joined the club as an essential means of communication (different forms of mail existed way before that but wasn't accessible to the public), so people exchanged letters via postal mail and waited for long months to receive a reply. i remember even my uncle when he was in love with his wife, they were in their twenties (just a couple of years ago, if you're reading khalo!) he bought a set  of stamps and red wax so he could stamp and seal his letters to his love in a romantic way

later on, e-mail stepped into the picture, then online chatting... so the natural development of relationships embraced these new "revolutionary inventions" or means of communication upgrading ways to maintaining a REAL relationship... so nowadays when somebody like me is trapped alone at home most days with two kids under 5 (add to it other factors of lack of family and friends support due to several reasons) then one way to fight back your terrible loneliness is to digitally stay in touch with human beings (if you have no idea what it means to be a lonely mother you can save your time, stop reading, and go do something else)

if you decided to continue reading, then you either identify (even if just partially) with what i'm saying, or you're interested in knowing more about my "smartphone = stupid relationships" theory. so let me tell you why i'm starting to hate smartphones more than ever (for however long they've existed so far)

imagine two people: person number 1 sitting at a REAL computer trying to have a REAL conversation (typed) with person number 2 (according to the above definition of "real"). person number 1 clicks "send" to a long detailed message (usually containing deep feelings and thoughts shared with and entrusted to person number 2 or an answer to what pn2 asked or a new question) the reply scenario can be one of the following:

(note that this is limited to facebook examples since i've never used whats app yet ..or a bunch of other stuff)

scenario A:
pn2 receives the message INSTANTLY wow
pn1 sees "seen NOW" appear at the bottom of the inbox message
pn2 is too busy to reply
pn1 thinks that pn2 surely went into a coma / much like hanging up during a phone conversation, it triggers a VERY similar feeling, trust me

scenario B:
pn2 sees the comment or timeline post and hits like
pn1 cheers up upon seeing the thumbs up, and??? then what???
SHEER SILENCE

scenario C:
pn2 types the fewest letters possible "ok" or "thnx", unintentionally being so stingy (opposite of generous) in terms of time, interest, and words
pn1 needs a higher IQ score to magically find out if it's a "yes thank you" or a "no thank you" answer, or to figure out where this "ok" is meant to be, where does it belong, after which line or paragraph or page (well a "page" is an exaggeration... or maybe not) amid what pn1 shared

scenario D:
pn2 politely replies with a line or two MAX, really fast, remember, pn2 is too busy to spend time actually using their smartphone or it's annoying to type on a touch screen or it's too small and uncomfortable... etc.
pn1 feeds on these breadcrumbs, actually the relationship does, so pn1 wonders if pn2 still consider that they are two FRIENDS then maybe they'll MEET soon to make up for this DIET and have a REAL conversation, with proportionate parts offered by both sides of this assumed friendship

scenario E:
pn2 types something around these words: "got your message, i'm using my phone, will write later"
pn1 waits for a few hours or a few days for a REAL reply which never sees the light

i could speak of scenarios F till Z, and each one of them is more painful, believe it or not, than the other. yes it's painful when you invest so much time and energy in a relationship (the best you could because you don't have the luxury of going out for a coffee with your friends) and what happens in return? you silently sit and watch what smartphones are doing to your investment. pn1s are seen to be people who have nothing else to do but sit at their computers and type all day long 24/7 ... losers... they are so FREE and so NOT important because they're not busy enough to apply for a VIP tattoo awarded on their foreheads

one might think that this pn1 is so lonely and bored and much in need for REAL human contact to find the time to sit at a computer and do what s/he does, while on the other hand pn2 is so busy going about her/his busy and full life doing more important things

truth is, pn1 gets on and off of her/his computer, and in between these REAL communication periods of time they lead a REAL-smartphone-free LIFE, while pn2 is an addict, with beeps coming out of their phones constantly with every breath they take, awake or asleep, anywhere and everywhere at ALL times... and THIS is not a life or a REAL way to live... and THE very famous "abundant life" was never meant to include or be messed up by smartphones (the Bible is old fashioned so forget about abundant lives)... i won't get into the details of how smartphones are ruining relationships inside the family, affecting marriages and putting a modern chic end to friendships... i'm not exaggerating here, watch this video and you might understand why... (btw i don't drink Coca Cola and i'm not advertising for their so called "social media guard", but the video is definitely worth watching)

if you already have a SMARTPHONE or contemplating buying one, i'm not against that, and i myself might do that one day, but i hope that you'll be aware of certain new diseases that gradually find their way into our lives. i hope this awareness will lead you to decide to be a SMART USER not allowing your communication devise to lead you to having a DUMP LIFE and STUPID RELATIONSHIPS

photo cutline: for some, leading a REAL life can mean watching the washing machine!

P&Y&baby Luke arranged their chairs ready for the show, then P left his laptop and Y left her purse to go do something else, baby Luke stayed till it was time for a standing ovation, i.e. the washer's cute melody at the end of a well-done job

an elephant in my life

March 11th marks my two-month anniversary of not blogging, i could've felt proud of myself had this been a time of "fasting" just like some people now do when they get off of facebook for a while, but for me it's ridiculous to even think of a "blog fasting" because there's no such thing as "medicine fasting" in the first place! when blogging becomes addictive to me then i might need some kind of abstinence, but not quite yet, because blogging has been nothing but therapy to me, it's also a form of paying it forward simply because my life was changed when i started to follow blogs of great women writers and felt obligated to do the same. so why did i stop for two long months then?

tracing all the reasons i could think of kept leading me to one single spot, the "elephant in the room", the "F" word... apparently i had a big fat elephant in my life that i knew was there but i kept ignoring . wikipedia says the following about the elephant in the room:

an English metaphorical idiom for an obvious truth that is either being ignored or going unaddressed. The idiomatic expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss.

It is based on the idea that an elephant in a room would be impossible to overlook; thus, people in the room who pretend the elephant is not there have chosen to avoid dealing with the looming big issue.(emphasis added)

SO... yes go ahead and re-read these "wicked" lines! now i have a mark of four fingers on my cheek... what a wake-up slap this was, calling apparently wasn't enough for me to wake up so i needed more powerful words, WRITTEN not said, so that i would put "pen to paper" or "fingers to keyboard" and get back to therapy... get back to typing, just like playing the piano, get back to the music my laptop keyboard creates, music therapy / blogging therapy

this big true risky problem that i've chosen to unaddress, ignore, avoid, and pretend  it's not there is my beloved elephant: FEAR. maybe i should start wearing elephant earrings or find a really charming elephant pendant so that i wouldn't miss my pet once i get it out of my life (an elephant with the letter F on its belly)

the problem with fear is that it starts as small as a mustard seed, then the more you feed it the more it grows and the harder it gets to move it out, no window or door in your life will be big enough to allow it to pass through, so it stays there until you undo what you've done. and it took me two months to learn how to UNDO FEAR

the good news is that it worked, whatever technique or recipe i used to undo my fear seems to have worked really well to shrink down this elephant into a size that fits my front door then get it out, but the bad news is that this formula is not fixed, i can't re-use it or pass it on to others or learn it from anybody else... your fear is as unique as your fingerprints, but unlike your fingerprints which are fixed, your fear changes over time. i remember writing about this changing fear last summer on facebook how you develop different kinds of fears over the course of your life, the fear you have at school then adolescence then university, followed by finding a job, a life partner, then fear of financial burdens and establishing a family, this includes pregnancy and kids getting sick... so on and so forth

that's why it's a constant fight against the seeds of fear, the tiny cute elephants that are tempting to keep and feed thinking that they're as harmless as fish, which is true somehow because no matter how big the elephant grows it's not a monster that will literally eat you up, it just eats up the space in your life so you have no room left for anything else

my fear left me no room for writing, which might sound ok, but if i identify myself as a writer, then a writer does three main things "read", "think", and "write" and when i stopped doing the 1st and 3rd, i kind of stopped being myself. my elephant's trunk was too long it could reach me wherever i went and whisper a variety of negative messages in my ear: "you're not good enough"..."nobody will like what you're doing"..."you have nothing to write about"..."drop that book and go do something useful"... "you call yourself an expert?"... "brava bad mama"... "oh, your poor husband"...gradually i started to believe these lies, too many lies about myself, my worth, my work, my Rihamiat project, even about me as a mother and wife

it was about time i placed a cork in that trunk (or maybe two corks to be precise in my elephant anatomy), stopped these lies and worked on how to get this elephant out of my life

i wish i can say i'm no longer afraid, no longer scared of failure, no longer terrified of making mamaland-related mistakes, no longer doubtful of my self-worth... i still am scared to death of so many things, i still see little elephants (just the right size to fit into my front door) wandering around, trying to get into my life... and when i do let one in (only the super cute ones!) feed it till it grows, get the cycle going once again i try to always keep in mind that these elephants never killed me and they never will, so they are only making me stronger, and every time i bid farewell to one of them i turn back and step once again into my life to claim all that space as MINE. i hang an "i was blind and now i see" sign, say out loud: "it's time to clean up" time to get rid of the mess that fear left behind and start again, dream once more, look forward to great things yet to happen, spread hope and color in every corner of my life... and write a new blogpost

photo cutline: meet my two "monkies in the room" using Rihamiat sewing thread reels to pretend they're REALLY SCARY... ya mama

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!