Friday, November 9, 2012

history repeats itself... or maybe not

does history really repeat itself? my mom told me that 33 years ago i was born on the early hours of a rainy Friday, and this year my birthday came on a rainy Friday too. but it might be a coincidence  not that the same date comes on the same day of the week every few years or so, i mean it's a coincidence that i live at a coastal city on the Mediterranean which is not where i was born so that's who we had a rainy day in November

my friend called to wish me a happy birthday and the conversation lead to the fact that it has been years since it rained in November in this city!!!??? and she lived here for over 30 years now...

personally, the phrase "history repeats itself" never scared me until i learned in my 2nd pregnancy that we're expecting a girl. in my first pregnancy with a boy i got scared because i know that raising boys is more difficult because they move more, cry more, and need more energy in general to keep up with theirs, besides the fact that i've never been a teenage boy, so i told my husband that he'll handle that when the time comes. then two years later when the gynecologist told me it's a girl, i was thrilled at first but then i got scared, again, for a whole bunch of different reasons this time. scared like seriously scared because things were starting to come back to me, i skimmed through every single negative thing anyone has ever told me about myself, things that are related to me being a girl/lady/woman/female... etc. and i got scared because i didn't want my girl to be like me!!! it's every mother's dream to have a girl like her, but i discovered that this dream wasn't mine, i want my girl to be more feminine and feminist than me.. i want my girl to be more brave and beautiful than me.. i want my girl to be more independent and outgoing than me.. i want my girl to be ANYTHING and EVERYTHING she wants to be in her life with no social restrictions dictated by society and norms and traditions in the MENA region.. want my girl to never hear (let alone feel) the word "shame" in her life, a must-said word to females all over the world.. want my girl to be a future president or a future princess if she wishes to be one.. 

so if history does repeat itself then i should at least get the chance to select what thing i'd like to pass consciously or unconsciously to my daughter. i'm glad i'm not like my mom in so many ways, but certain aspects were truly passed to me "with my mother's breast milk" as the famous Arabic saying suggests. luckily i didn't breast feed my daughter, so i can guarantee that formula didn't undo my wish.. as for the rest of the hard work ahead, then welcome aboard this life-long trip of self awareness, self change, reconciliation, security, and many other items on my to-be list... some of which have already started two decades ago in my life but other things are a completely new territory i choose to step into, all because i now have a sweet girl whom i want to be WAY better than her mama

Thursday, November 8, 2012

33rd birthday wish

tomorrow is my 33rd birthday and i've decided to take blogging more seriously and less privately since i've already started blogging in 2007 but i found myself slipping into a private zone sharing details about my family and our life and i let myself in control of who can access that first blog.

these two blogs started as twins, but i only had enough courage to nurture one of them, so separation seemed like a good idea, now that i have kids who might be endangered, and a husband's career that might be affected by his wife's ideas on life, love, God, motherhood... and many more random areas of humanity. 

in the past few days, as my 33rd birthday was approaching, i started thinking about Jesus' mission on earth  and how it ended when he was 33... mmmm.... thankfully i'm not Jesus. with some hesitation but more conscious determination i decided to think of my past 3 years and say: "i DEFINITELY was productive"

i had my first born when i was 30 and his sister arrived when i was 32. one year into this roller coaster of two children under 4 i admit how desperately i need a break... but not THE ULTIMATE break that Jesus had when he turned 33...

one post by Glennon made me think and re-think about my husband's wife and my children's mother who happened to be the EXHAUSTED ME. so i decided that i needed to build a bicycle for me and only me.  one that i can use as a last resort when i collapse, or even a tiny step before collapsing. i imagined taking my bicycle on fictional journeys discovering new depths in me and new worlds around me, then i realized that this bicycle, for me, is a blog where i can type my thoughts and reflections freely.

my daughter is 14 months now and still can't say a single recognizable word so my mom told me that i was like that at the same age, and then all of a sudden i started talking (and never stopped ever since). this is one of the many blessings of having a mom (still alive) when you yourself become a mother, she's the one you refer to whenever you wonder about a what you think is a brand new discovery but in reality it has always been there for centuries of motherhood!

starting to talk relatively late turned me into a talkative person, but recently i can't find the energy and time to talk, so one of my basic human needs was denied and i'm hopeful that this blog will bring it back to me...

Happy 33rd Birthday to a Multigrain Woman and happy BIRTH day to her public blog, a birthday gift she carefully selected for herlself.