Friday, November 9, 2012

history repeats itself... or maybe not

does history really repeat itself? my mom told me that 33 years ago i was born on the early hours of a rainy Friday, and this year my birthday came on a rainy Friday too. but it might be a coincidence  not that the same date comes on the same day of the week every few years or so, i mean it's a coincidence that i live at a coastal city on the Mediterranean which is not where i was born so that's who we had a rainy day in November

my friend called to wish me a happy birthday and the conversation lead to the fact that it has been years since it rained in November in this city!!!??? and she lived here for over 30 years now...

personally, the phrase "history repeats itself" never scared me until i learned in my 2nd pregnancy that we're expecting a girl. in my first pregnancy with a boy i got scared because i know that raising boys is more difficult because they move more, cry more, and need more energy in general to keep up with theirs, besides the fact that i've never been a teenage boy, so i told my husband that he'll handle that when the time comes. then two years later when the gynecologist told me it's a girl, i was thrilled at first but then i got scared, again, for a whole bunch of different reasons this time. scared like seriously scared because things were starting to come back to me, i skimmed through every single negative thing anyone has ever told me about myself, things that are related to me being a girl/lady/woman/female... etc. and i got scared because i didn't want my girl to be like me!!! it's every mother's dream to have a girl like her, but i discovered that this dream wasn't mine, i want my girl to be more feminine and feminist than me.. i want my girl to be more brave and beautiful than me.. i want my girl to be more independent and outgoing than me.. i want my girl to be ANYTHING and EVERYTHING she wants to be in her life with no social restrictions dictated by society and norms and traditions in the MENA region.. want my girl to never hear (let alone feel) the word "shame" in her life, a must-said word to females all over the world.. want my girl to be a future president or a future princess if she wishes to be one.. 

so if history does repeat itself then i should at least get the chance to select what thing i'd like to pass consciously or unconsciously to my daughter. i'm glad i'm not like my mom in so many ways, but certain aspects were truly passed to me "with my mother's breast milk" as the famous Arabic saying suggests. luckily i didn't breast feed my daughter, so i can guarantee that formula didn't undo my wish.. as for the rest of the hard work ahead, then welcome aboard this life-long trip of self awareness, self change, reconciliation, security, and many other items on my to-be list... some of which have already started two decades ago in my life but other things are a completely new territory i choose to step into, all because i now have a sweet girl whom i want to be WAY better than her mama

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