living and remembering

today, 3 years ago, my maternal grandmother went to heaven... i was shocked when i did the math, only 3 years have passed since 1 October 2010, it feels like forever, years passed heavy and slow... whenever i talk about my grandmother Teta Badi'a i know that only people who were blessed with an extraordinary grandmother can relate... only a handful of people can understand that she's not just another grandmother who got old and sick then died... she's a legend, a second mother to me, and definitely a role model to many who knew her throughout her long and rich life...

my mother was a full time math teacher when her 4th child arrived, so it was natural and expected that my grandmother would look after me while my mom and 3 older siblings were at school, so i had the privilege of spending 5 years with my teta... the first 5 years of my life, which i later learned in my psychology and education classes that they are the most essential 5 years in one's life...

here is me, with teta, playing with my pet chick on the bench of her front yard... in the black and white photo i was almost 4 (i don't know why i don't have my glasses on, i was 2 when i started wearing them) with teta on the bed of the small room in the front yard... in 2005 i celebrated my 26th birthday with her, a year later she attended my wedding and in 2009 i couldn't believe that my dream would come true, she saw my son, held him and prayed for him... in the summer of 2010 i saw her for the last time when my son was exactly 1 year old, we flew to visit and he took his first steps right there in that living room and teta saw him, the photo shows him on top of the stairs leading to the front gate and the very same bench is down there behind him, but i didn't get him a chick to repeat his mom's photo taken 30 years ago...

on 26 September 2010, just five days before teta's departure, i wrote her a letter and e-mailed it to my mom (overseas) to print it out and read it to teta... i didn't want any words to stay unsaid, i didn't want regrets, i wasn't sure i'll be able to fly there and attend her funeral when her last day on earth arrives, but what's the use, she won't be able to hear what i have to say, (still i couldn't make it to her funeral)... my mom told me that when she read the letter, teta cried a bit and laughed a bit...

random images and stories came to my mind as i was writing that letter, i reminded  her of things she told me, things we did together... i reminded her of stories she shared with me from her childhood, a poor girl in a village who used to dig her feet inside ashes of the fire place to keep them warm, stories of when she left her country and went to Lebanon to study theology for two years while teenage girls her age had different preferences in life, she told me about the things she learned from missionaries when she spoke English and French fluently...

i wish i could remember details of what she shared with me many many years ago, but i'm grateful for whatever little bits and pieces i still remember, like the love story between her and my grandfather, jeddo Mtanos, who was only 2 years older than her, a graduate of the same theological seminary in the thirties of the 20th century... and what a great pastor's wife she was accompanying my grandfather on his travels for many years all over the country... giving birth to 7 children in 7 different villages and cities...

30 years later they settled in this warm big house in the capital where 19 grandchildren learned what a grandparents' house is, what unconditional love is, and there, we've accumulated one layer of memories after the other, the happiest memories of our lives... our Family House had the unique fragrance of orange peals burning by the fireplace in winter and the aroma of freshly cleaned front yard in the summer, a post-rain like smell...

i still remember her half automatic washing machine in the backyard which we could reach through the kitchen's second door, i used to stand stretching my hands so high to catch the laundry pieces which teta used to squeeze in between the two rotating cylinders, my job was to make sure they drop inside the laundry basket so teta can later on hang them on the laundry line as i hand her one peg after the other... the washing machine grew shorter over the years then got replaced by a full automatic one... 

my school was a three-minutes-walk from teta's house, i used to go see my grandparents daily after school with my sister then my mom would join us for the fifteen minute walk home, most evenings the outing was a visit to jeddo and teta's house, again, as if we actually lived there and only went home on occasional visits over night...

it was a tradition to celebrate our birthdays in the Family House, the cake was home made by teta, the icing was a layer of homemade jam with a big plain white candle in the middle, no one objected or expected a different sequence of events during the party celebration, first we sing Happy Birthday, then the hymn we all know by heart "Lord, a year has passed", then comes jeddo's prayer for the birthday person (a child or a grandchild)... teta took that role when jeddo went to meet the Lord, also in October but 6 years before her...

teta took me with her on "trips", the ones to the marketplace were my favorite, i got to pull behind me her empty shopping trolley on the way there (one that most elderly owned and took with them for easier grocery shopping) i remember feeling so proud of how strong i was, but she did that job when the trolley got full on the way back as i held teta's free hand. as for trips to church, my grandfather would walk ahead of us with his steady big steps, long and handsome in his neat suit with sermon papers tucked inside his jacket's upper pocket... us two used to walk slower and arrive there hand in hand, a few minutes later...

she was the first family member with whom i shared my love story and engagement plans, then several dreams of mine came true till the day my son, named after her youngest, met teta... my son has the name of my favorite uncle, when she held him she prayed that this little boy would continue the ministry of his parents and grandparents... i can still remember how she clapped with joy a year later when he walked for the first time, right there at her house...

what a unique and amazing woman she was as a girl, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a great grandmother, a friend, a companion, a teacher, a role model... she showered us all with love, gifts, hand made wool blankets and pullovers... her name Badi'a means "exquisite" and "marvelous"... she's Teta Badi'a, teta the exquisite... my marvelous grandmother...

i learned a line people exchange during funerals in Egypt: "may you live and remember"... i'll live remembering who you were and still are to me, i'll tell my children and hopefully my grandchildren of a living blessing i've had and will always carry with me as i live and remember...

love you tons and miss you more dear teta...

examining my motives

today was supposed to witness the baptism service of our daughter, our sweetheart, and this was the photo i put together for her to use as an invitation card (or facebook event) featuring her bible, white dress and shoes, and one of her stuffed animals. we've been trying for a while to get hold of a wonderful pastor who is an icon in the Evangelical community in this country. when he confirmed that he'll initiate the baptism we started running around and going through our checklists of big and small details.

my husband paused for a minute and said: "are we showing off?" he was cautious that by asking this specific pastor to baptize our daughter we'll be showing off, maybe conveying an embedded message of "look how prestigious our selection is" or "look what kind of connections we have to bring Reverend Doctor M. for our two-year-old daughter's baptism". it got me thinking, is this true? did we go for this plan because we wanted the best of the best? or because we wanted to show off? i started examining my motives, and after a few moments of honesty i found the answer, very clearly, deep in my souls saying "no we're not". on my side: my parents knew this pastor and his wife for over 25 years (even though the two families lived in two different countries), my late maternal grandfather was a pastor and i have no doubt that my mom gave copies of all 6 books he wrote to this pastor's wife. on my husband's side: my father-in-law was a pastor before he departed to heaven back in 1994, had he been with us he would've been exactly the age of Rev.M around 83 years old (they are a few months apart) so i felt that this is my grandfather who is coming, it's my daughter's grandfather who is coming... there was this emotional subjective intimate dimension to our decision.

Rev.M cancelled due to health reasons and we had to change 80% of the plan including the date and time, making an endless number of phone calls to re-arrange accordingly. i can't deny feeling a great disappointment. we're that kind of a family that keeps a low profile in everything, starting with a honeymoon we never went on and summer vacations we plan and never actualize, we keep a low profile in our possessions too, the tight budget is a major determining factor but our attitude is what drives most of our expenditure decisions. earlier in our marriage it used to bug me when people brag about their clothes brands, their owned apartment, their extravagant anniversary celebrations, their fancy gifts exchange as a couple, their kid's exceptional birthday parties... you name it. but over the years i could see God at work in me, i no longer got upset upon hearing similar news, then i started to feel really happy for people who shared their excitement over what they have or what they did even if it's a showy style i still felt happy for them. God continued teaching me the joy of giving and sharing whatever little we have, and i realized what a privilege it was for me to be God's arms stretched out to meet other people's needs, both financial and emotional... once you've had a taste of what it's like to draw a smile on someone else's face it will soon turn into some kind of addiction, you'll get addicted to giving and sharing, at times i feel that i'm taking this verse to the extreme: "It is more blessed to give than to receive." Acts 20 : 35

so after thinking a lot about this change of plans (more like a change of dreams), at a time when i personally, along with a few more people in my close circle, needed a push forward, we needed a "HAPPY" event at the end of a very difficult summer, i discovered that this might be yet another lesson God wants me to learn. even when my motives pass the test, and i'm entitled to a dose of joy, even if i've earned it or i feel worthy and i insist that i deserve it, still i might not be able to wrap my arms around it and claim it as mine.

i've decided not to think of the new plan as a "compromise" or "settling for less", examining my motives again and putting my attitude to the test too, i am determined to view the event just as special and equally worthy of my excitement, my full effort, and my wholehearted preparation. here's one chocolate tray decorated and ready for the BIG DAY :) a pintrest-like photo, all you need to buy is: wire shapes (or make your own, letters and crosses), ribbons, a good scissors, and a glue gun. don't forget to borrow a fancy tray too...

i've searched online for a unique design of a wire letter "y" then a cross of a similar style to place the order, my friend has her own business of wire accessories and she was able to copy the letter and cross i found. 

once all chocolate pieces are wrapped with the white or pink ribbons, start adding the wire shapes with the silver ribbons. 

starting to look great already... drum roll...

...the end product of love love love and more love written all over... love you my sweet daughter... i pray that you'll have a unique and memorable baptism as God continues to shower you with a lifetime of blessings... and much more...