Tuesday, August 27, 2013

butterflies in my stomach... head, and fingers too

there's an announcement i'd like to make... soon... and i'm excited about it

i haven't visited this blog for a while, so much happened during these days where i would open the blog and not sign in to write a new post, i was too depressed to do anything, yet i felt that something good will come out of this, MUST come out of this and i kept wondering, crying, thinking, and surviving

when i'm down i try not to close all windows, but keep a few open (even if only partially) for some light to come into my days, my life, i know that my kids can be more than a "sunshine, my only sunshine" and they DO make me happy when skies, seas, streets, news, fb, friendships... (almost everything) are gray... but i didn't want to depend on them this time, to stand on the receiving end of the equation... i didn't want to be happy just BECAUSE of them, i wanted to be happy for so many other reasons and be happy FOR them

so in the past two weeks or so, every time i put my head on the pillow, unable to sleep, it was time to do some thinking, the tears free kind of thinking, i got so much used to being depressed that i've developed an ability to think clearly even when i'm depressed, and THAT is a very useful tool

a few more domestic events added to the drama of news and stress coming from outside (political, social, and financial stress), i can say that i hit rock bottom, i've been avoiding bathroom crying sessions, specially ones that take place when i'm literally on the bathroom floor, still, i found myself exactly where i didn't want to be... but that was EXACTLY what i needed in order to get up, pick up pieces of myself and play my kid's favorite game, jigsaw puzzle, putting the pieces of my life together again, even if some of them were too broken to be fixed or to match other pieces, but who said you can't use a band aid to complete a jigsaw puzzle?

today is our 7th wedding anniversary, and i've prepared a photo with my own words this time not a quote i found and saved a while ago for the occasion, to give my husband (i.e. post on his fb profile), here it is:

still, i'd like to re-visit some of the recent sad events and talk about them here, i need to let out some feelings and certain thoughts and reflections, but not now, there's a time for everything, and today is the time to rejoyce, the day to celebrate what's REAL in my life, and to anticipate the step i'm about to take with courage and love... because love will conquer fear, and when i'll start doing what i love to do, with passion and honesty, then and only then i can leave no room for fear anymore... and i'll walk in the light, when i fall down, i'll cowl... but also in the light... when i stop, i'll just sit quietly, silence the rush of negative thoughts in my head... just sit there, and be... in the LIGHT

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