Saturday, March 16, 2013

as small as a mustard seed

yesterday i was reading about the NYC brunch where amazing women bloggers gathered, some of them are authors of books nominated for the Books For A Better Life award. all of them had big lives, huge accomplishments, nice families, unique writing skills, and a story of pain mixed with success. i couldn't but see myself so small, microscopic in fact, not in a negative sense as putting myself down or having a low self esteem, but the first thought that crossed my mind was: "how can i be like them?" i went to bed with this thought.

this morning before i got out of bed i realized that I AM like them, aren't i? if this wonderful bible verse says that faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains, then my small life can have a big impact on someone else's, every little piece in my life, including this baby blog can move mountains, or at least one mountain or a handful of sand.

for years i've been wondering what can i do with my life, i need something big, significant  important, different, unique, and carries my name on it, something that says "me" all over it. it sounds narcissistic, but it's not, it was a humble and honest search for identity and meaning, to know who i am, do something, and be good at it.

so far i've been identifying myself in relation to others, my family, then my husband, and now my children which is the most powerful "identification tool" that can just cross out who you really are as you dissolve yourself into your kid's lives, needs, demands, and even characters.

maybe the fact that these women are writers, or became writers made me feel a bit jealous, i've always wanted to be a writer, i read a lot and wrote a lot, but recently i realized that Arabic speaking people are growing less and less interested in reading and even worse, they are getting less and less interested and proud of their language. don't get me started on how difficult, deep, rich, and inspiring the Arabic language is because i'm simply in LOVE with it, its alphabet, its roots of forming verbs and words, its structure. so to be a good writer i have to write in my mother tongue, who will read me then? my English will never bee as good as these women's English, and that's why i envy them, they are almost perfect in the language that a vast majority of people can read around the world and they put their words and ideas out there on the web for the whole wide world to read with such ease and beauty that i doubt i'd ever master one day.

so for now i'll keep loving myself for who i am, doing what i have to do and love my responsibilities and fun with my children and everyone around me, i'll keep reading books and blogs (and occasionally envying the writer!) hoping that one day my mustard seed will do what it's supposed to do, and who knows, maybe it IS already doing all of that and all i need to do is change my eyeglasses!

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