Friday, March 22, 2013

bffs defined

today's post is inspired by yesterday's stressful mother's day celebrations, or non-celebrations. I got very frustrated by the end of the day because of unreasonable expectations, but i have to clarify that what's reasonable and unreasonable is relative. what is sure is that i needed time alone ASAP, and today i have the whole day to myself, and this is happening for the first time in almost four years.

until the last minute when i shut our apartment door behind me, i was still ready to turn down my husbands offer to take a day off and he will look after the kids. it has never happened before, even in November when i had barely three hours to celebrate my birthday alone.

driving to the destination i selected was a great experience, we had a windy night and in the morning wind was still strong creating high waves and waking me up from within as i drove along the highway by the sea. i didn't want to feel lonely and alone (will discuss the difference later), so i brought two books, a notebook, a pencil, yellow highlighter and the iPad along with me. Selecting these items made me think, are these my real best friends? do bffs exist? I have lived in three different capitals then moved to this current city within the past 13 years, during which other major events took place in my life. i graduated, got married, and recieved two kids. so these 12 years were basically the most important years in my life with chances of forming strong and lasting friendships, but i moved a lot... so you can say that i have no close friends here in this city which adds to my loneliness and "aloneness". any mother of two little children can testifies of how lonely life is for her as she struggles to find the room and time for her friends as she juggles so many responsibilities, let alone not having close friends to start with.

but the day was good, i went back home earlier that expected because i got cold, yes, i wasn't wearing warm enough clothes, but it was also good to be back after some time of reflection and decision making, i had to make sure that my husband was on the same page as me, not that we were able to discuss the things we needed to discuss so urgently, but the promise we made to re-visit many issues was comforting enough for me.

so if you ask me what's the definition of a bff, i don't have an answer because the dear friends i have, i can't see anymore, we live miles away, in some cases we are in completely different continents and time zones, we're only in touch now via facebook and sometimes e-mail. the friends i do see now are new and they can't count me as a bff because that spot is already occupied with their other old-er friends. what i do know about a bff is that the definition HAS to be mutual, i can't think of somebody as a bff when she doesn't consider me as a bff to her. that's why, for the time being, my books (which change over the course of time), my blog, and the blessing of reading and writing are my bff... when anyone is added to the list, and hopefully somebody will be, i'll let you know.

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