Saturday, June 29, 2013

three thoughts and three feelings

today marks the 1st month-iversary of my husband's return from the USA trip, i heard him arrive safely at 4am, he came into our bedroom to give us three kisses, the kids and i have been sharing the big bed since he left. he could've used our son's bed but he was jet lagged and couldn't sleep. when i woke up, this is what i saw in our living room next to the apartment door...

yes, my husband is a systematic perfectionist, but what we weren't able to "perfectionize" yet is finding the time to talk about his trip, we went out for coffee once but it wasn't enough for me to hear a full update about what he did and his impressions about the whole trip. as for the photos, i haven't seen them yet because i want him to tell me all about every single photo he took, new person he met, and exciting experience he had. i realized today that it has been a whole month since he came back and we're still trying to find enough time to spend together away from the kids, and i felt disappointed because i kind of lost my initial enthusiasm about his return and now i'm back to taking things for granted, taking his presence in my life and the life of our children for granted, so i'm mostly disappointed with myself for deciding so many things during his absence most of it based on how much i missed him and how much we need him, but now we're caught up, once again, in the cycle of daily challenges and business...

June ends tomorrow, which means that half of 2013 is already gone and this should lead to a time of serious evaluation and reflection but i'm too lazy to do that because most probably i'll get depressed as soon as i realize that i haven't achieved half of what i wanted to do in 2013. i didn't have "measurable" new year's resolutions so i might get away with whatever self-imposed punishment i choose which means that i am on the safe side, when i shake off my laziness i have to first re-read this post and be open to do what needs to be done!!! so i'll just practice some denial and escape, i'll feel lazy for the rest of the day and time will pass quickly, tomorrow i won't have enough mental energy for anything other than worry about 30 June in Egypt...

i don't know if worried is the most honest feeling i have regarding tomorrow, i should admit that i'm scared, terrified actually. why? what will happen on June 30th in Egypt? i don't know, and THAT's exactly what's making me feel so scared, i'm a control freak, "being in control" is a false reality, however much i try to think of it as a fact, it's not true, no one is in full control of their lives and the lives of their family and dear ones. but i always fool myself into thinking that i have everything (and sometimes everyone) under control. thinking and worrying about tomorrow makes me realize that things are way much bigger than me so maybe i just have to give up on trying to be in control and admit that the uncertainties about tomorrow far outweigh what's certain. as a believer in God i try to repeat to myself that "i don't know what the future holds but i know who holds the future" and this time it's the near future, it's tomorrow, the literal tomorrow, 24 hours from now.... things have already started to be tense in Egypt. yesterday two people were killed in Alexandria one of them is a 21-year-old American, tomorrow is 30 June 2013, the twin sister of 25 January 2011 revolution... will there be too much bloodshed? will the current one-year-old Brotherhood regime fall like the 30-year-old Mubarak regime did two and a half years ago? will my husband be safe as well as everyone i know participating in the demonstrations?

one t hing i'm sure of is that my husband will be in the right place, where he should be, with every other Egyptian on the streets risking their lives out of love for Egypt and out of hope for a more humane life , and i'll be in the right place too, at home, with our children, trying to keep them safe because that's what parents should do at any cost... i'll do my best to provide a safe "day" for our children and my husband will do his best to demand a safe "future" for them... this is how tomorrow will look like for our family, but what will happen is so uncertain and too scary for me to think about... (today's post by the brilliant Lebanese cartoonist Habib Haddad)

today i'm disappointed, lazy, and scared... it's neither the best nor the worst weekend in my life... can't handle extremes at the moment so i'll just put these three feelings in perspective and wish my readers a good-enough weekend. 

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