in the beginning was creativity

creativity: noun, the use of the imagination or original ideas, esp. in the production of an artistic work

we're created in the image of God, and God is creative  so we are creative beings... some of us are just addicted to creating new things, it's the air we breath, a therapeutic practice without which we can't survive or thrive...

the enemy of creativity is fear, when i'm afraid that what i will make, what i will write, the photo i will take will not be "good enough" then i won't get started and my "piece of art" won't see the light, surrendering with this fear means that i've just killed an embryo... abortion of art should be illegal...

so on this blog i try to share my passion about many things but mainly writing (in English and Arabic), cooking, crafts, and photography... it's an attempt to overcome my fear, and it's a long list if you ask me what i'm afraid of, well, the three main fears that have been consuming me recently are the fear of failure, the fear of loneliness, and the fear of the future... that's why i turn to this blog for help, it's helping me re-construct my life, a fear-free life... one block at a time...

peek-a-blog

shocked? surprised? confused? it's "multigrain woman" you were looking for, a blog that looked like this...

it's the same space with a more real taste from now on. when i started blogging in 2007 i decided that our family blog should be a private one, so i created this other blog yet i didn't have enough courage or clear vision to actually use it. in November 2012 i was looking for a special gift i can give myself on my 33rd birthday, so i refreshed this blog selecting a name i liked "multi-grain woman" and a photo of the Russian doll, read this post to know why...

9 months later i thought that maybe it was time for this new baby to see the light, it took me another month to collect my courage, finalize this decision, and change the name of my blog into a more personal one for me, a name that contains my REAL name in it, as i start the progress of changing this space into a more REAL one because it means a lot to me, it has been a place of refuge, a means of therapy, and a forum for creativity

so this is the announcement i wanted to make, the blog once called MULTIGRAIN WOMAN is now called RIHAMIAT (coming from my name Riham, with the suffices in Arabic that can be translated as "-ics", like electron-ics) the new look was a must, i was looking for bright basic colors with a white background to mark a new beginning, a white page, each time i visit this space, carrying my crayons, my paint brushes, any color i'd like to add through words and pictures. sometimes i'll choose words from the English languages, other times i'll write in Arabic, sometimes i'll google a picture to add, other times i'll use my primitive photography skills to take a photo and post it here... so THIS is what got me excited even thought TODAY might not be the best day in history for me to jump up and down about my blog, today might be the day when the decision was final, to start a war against Syria, i'm talking about white pages here on a day that might turn into a black day for my country (here's an interesting article for you to read)... yet i've decided to do something, if i can't change what will happen to my beloved Syria, then i'll try to change what happens during my days here in Egypt, to compartmentalize my life instead of surrender to depression and make my kids and husband pay the price...

so chin-chin to new beginnings... and please pray for the STOP of yet another ugly war on this earth... 

butterflies in my stomach... head, and fingers too

there's an announcement i'd like to make... soon... and i'm excited about it

i haven't visited this blog for a while, so much happened during these days where i would open the blog and not sign in to write a new post, i was too depressed to do anything, yet i felt that something good will come out of this, MUST come out of this and i kept wondering, crying, thinking, and surviving

when i'm down i try not to close all windows, but keep a few open (even if only partially) for some light to come into my days, my life, i know that my kids can be more than a "sunshine, my only sunshine" and they DO make me happy when skies, seas, streets, news, fb, friendships... (almost everything) are gray... but i didn't want to depend on them this time, to stand on the receiving end of the equation... i didn't want to be happy just BECAUSE of them, i wanted to be happy for so many other reasons and be happy FOR them

so in the past two weeks or so, every time i put my head on the pillow, unable to sleep, it was time to do some thinking, the tears free kind of thinking, i got so much used to being depressed that i've developed an ability to think clearly even when i'm depressed, and THAT is a very useful tool

a few more domestic events added to the drama of news and stress coming from outside (political, social, and financial stress), i can say that i hit rock bottom, i've been avoiding bathroom crying sessions, specially ones that take place when i'm literally on the bathroom floor, still, i found myself exactly where i didn't want to be... but that was EXACTLY what i needed in order to get up, pick up pieces of myself and play my kid's favorite game, jigsaw puzzle, putting the pieces of my life together again, even if some of them were too broken to be fixed or to match other pieces, but who said you can't use a band aid to complete a jigsaw puzzle?

today is our 7th wedding anniversary, and i've prepared a photo with my own words this time not a quote i found and saved a while ago for the occasion, to give my husband (i.e. post on his fb profile), here it is:

still, i'd like to re-visit some of the recent sad events and talk about them here, i need to let out some feelings and certain thoughts and reflections, but not now, there's a time for everything, and today is the time to rejoyce, the day to celebrate what's REAL in my life, and to anticipate the step i'm about to take with courage and love... because love will conquer fear, and when i'll start doing what i love to do, with passion and honesty, then and only then i can leave no room for fear anymore... and i'll walk in the light, when i fall down, i'll cowl... but also in the light... when i stop, i'll just sit quietly, silence the rush of negative thoughts in my head... just sit there, and be... in the LIGHT

MENA females... precious lives lost

my blog is a politics-free space, and this post could be seen as a political one, but i know so little about politics, little enough to be sure that politics is a dirty game, i'm writing not a political post but one about humans and humans only, simply because the beautiful faces of these 6 females haunted me

this is a photo collage i put together yesterday and posted on my fb profile in memory of these 6 females... and many many more...

i haven't met any of them and there are so many difference between them, not only in age or nationality, but also religion and inside religion they belong to different sects, but i see them as one, they are all the same, they all belong to me and i belong to them, we're humans, we're females who have the right to grow up, grow old, get married, have daughters of our own, choose whatever path of life, LIFE, live safely, LIVE... just be ALIVE... which is no longer an option or a right for any of these 6 females...

the top right photo is Jesse, a 10-year-old girl who was shot to death as she left church last Tuesday around 7pm with her Sunday School teacher after they finished the summer Bible school in Cairo, she's an only child and her mother was dressed in white during her funeral. i know her mother's brother who is an Evangelical Presbyterian pastor in Egypt, so she's a Christian...

the bottom right photo is Walaa, she was in her 20's a pharmacy student at university stabbed to death at her home last Saturday with her parents and 2 sisters in Damascus-Syria her 4-year-old brother ran away and survived, most probably she's a Muslim, not sure if she's a Sunni or Shiite Muslim...

the 4 other photos are female victims of a suicide bombing that took place this very last Tuesday also at around 7pm targeting the Christian community in a neighborhood in Damascus-Syria the young women (Hend and Raghad from right to left) are most probably Christians from either the Catholic or Orthodox church and the two children (Reem and Kinda, from right to left) are Muslims judging by their family names one is an Alawite Muslim and the other is a Druze Muslim, the 18 people killed in that bombing include two young boys, one Christian and one Muslim in addition to a mother with her little son and many other males and females, young and old...

there were hundreds and hundreds of innocent victims killed in Syria before these 5 females and there will be others killed after them, it's a "sample" of the variety in sects and religions living -used to live- in harmony of a beautiful blend in Syria, this blend has other beautiful colors of Armenians, Kurds, and many others...

has this become an ordinary thing in my country/countries? humans turn into numbers at the end of each day "total casualties" the news call them... terrorism knows no religion, no sect, no color, no gender, no nationality... in the name of WHAT do people get killed daily and arrested daily and tortured in unknown prisons daily?...

do i still believe in God's mercy? my faith is growing ever faint... yet it's the only thing i can turn to and hold on to in this world and time that lacks logic or humanity...

please pray for peace in Syria and safety in Egypt...  

low-tech diet

i'm gaining weight, it's the visible sign of an invisible discomfort and in addition to this climb of my food intake graph there has been a climb in my time-spent-on-fb graph which also means that my kids are spending more time watching T.V because their mom is too busy on the laptop to play with them

well, these are the facts and statistics, it's just data, but behind each piece of info there's a long story of a struggle i have and a challenge i'm facing recently

for the first time in many years i'm gaining weight for all the wrong reasons, i'm seeking the comfort of food, the company of food, and maybe punishing myself through food, then i saw this video which is surely worth watching even though it's not directly food-related, i'm lucky enough not to be so attached to my phone simply because i rarely receive a call and i don't have internet connection on my old mobile phone, i use it mostly to call my husband and for sms's, but still i saw myself in this video, i was using my laptop and the T.V was on, some food on the center piece in our living room kept disappearing, THERE THEY ARE... my two kids watching T.V so i turn off the lap top, leave the dining table (where our computer is) go to my children and instead of joining them with the fun they're having (as the video suggests) i turn the T.V off and suggest we play together

spending time with food and on facebook has been a way to fill that void in my heart, this longing for people, since i'm unable to spend time with real people in the real world i took refuge in food and facebook. for a while i tried to give priority to books because it's always "healthy" to over-read but over-eating and over-facebooking is never healthy for the body or mind, but this stopped and i started telling myself: "i'll read after a few minutes on the computer first"

so i decided that i won't spend as much time on facebook as i used to, and it worked, but this was reflected in my food intake, whatever was cut off of facebook was replaced with food. i've never felt so lonely before, maybe the last time i was nearly as lonely was when i moved away from my family and lived in another country during my college years, this was 13 years ago, and i think that i still wasn't THIS lonely back then because i simply had the freedom to do many new and interesting activities to fill my time and i was able (in my twenties) to make new friendships, but now, i'm stuck at home with two little angles whom i love more than anything in the whole world, but only a mom of more than one child spending days on end with her kids alone at home can understand how challenging and lonely motherhood can be

add to all this stress awful news arriving from Syria and difficult living conditions here in Egypt, i try to live as normal a life as possible and take the kids out to the mall as often as possible but this by itself is a challenge, why the mall, you might ask, i'll tell you why:

1. there are no parks or free play ground areas for kids in this city, any open space area is surely unsafe for a female to appear there by herself let alone with two kids, you'll be exposed to minor (or even) major abuse of harrasement
2. you can find a free parking lot at the mall instead of parking so far away from where you intend to go
3. less walking under the blazing July/August sun
4. less chances of losing a kid in the over crowded pavement-free streets
5. making use of your time if you're lucky enough to find some discounts at certain shops
6. multi-task, use the hypermarket to run errands, train the kids on what it means to spend some time at a coffee shop, and look for something you need (eg.new clothes for the kids)

i wonder why does life have to be so difficult when you're performing a simple activity as taking two kids to the mall. getting them ready, dressing in a way that is hopefully considered appropriate revealing as little skin as possible, walking to where the car is parked, losing half your energy so far and you're not even half way through your activity, driving to your destination and only people who've been to the MENA region know the skills, talents, and luck required for driving in countries of this area, arrive safely, make sure the kids are having fun because that's the maim purpose of this outing, try to spend as little money as possible because after all it's ironic that you're at the mall with such a limited budget, try to convince the kids that we don't need THIS or THAT item they see and convince them of the alternative you see best which is less expensive, head back home before you're totally and completely exhausted because you still have to drive back and look for a parking space and walk home from where you've parked and continue living your day with the kids tending to all their needs and wants and desires and requests and stories and and and...

when my husband came back from the US he said something very interesting to me: "if you were living there you would've done all that you do in less than quarter the time... you buzz around the apartment like a busy bee to achieve so little here". i've been to the US three times but it's all before i got married and had kids so i tried to imagine living there as if i'm in heaven according to my acheivo-meter... no wonder these moms whose blogs i read look like super mothers to me, so committed to their families and children and blogs and pintrest and instagram and facebook and twitter and real-life friends and all the zillion other things they do

so i try to over-indulge in my life and numb my loneliness, but i can't, because it's simply so hard at this very time in this very country with the ghost of daily bloodshed in Syria hanging over my head and the uncertainty of situations in Egypt... this is the main reason why i resorted to over-indulgence on facebook running a parallel life which is real to a certain degree (all the photos are real and the events are real but they show only the picture-perfect side of my life) and when i decided to start a low-tech diet i shifted to over-indulgence in food !!!

my psychology professor at university once told us that when one overcomes a certain addiction they usually shift to another kind, she for example quit smoking but got addicted to eating "bizr" which is eating roasted seeds (sunflower or pumpkin) where you balance the seed between your upper and lower teeth and try to remove the shell, an activity that is socially acceptable and common in the MENA region, which also satisfies the oral fixation somehow

i neither want to get addicted to ANYTHING, nor replace one indulgent habit with another, did i say that i'm facing too many challenges and i'm tired of struggling? here's yet another challenge for me to struggle with...