11/12/13

yesterday marked the 1000th day of the war in Syria, with that number came a zillion other numbers expressing the magnitude of destruction and death in my country. i've never hated numbers like i do now, at school i used to like math because my mother was a math teacher and whatever i didn't understand in class she would explain to me and make me happy. but today, on 11/12/13 i need to reconcile with numbers, add joy and life to these figures, count my blessings (or at least the troubles i don't have) specially that we're in the middle of a storm in the MENA region that keeps me thinking about homeless Syrians all over the area, whether they live in tents made of fabric just like the photo i saw this morning of a refugee camp where the tents are "floating" in a sea of rain, or they live away from their home, or they do live at home but lack basic essentials for surviving such a viscous storm. 

usually i do my shopping for my kids' clothes ahead of time and i try to find places with good quality clothes and good discount at the same time, every winter both my son and daughter find enough to wear that will keep them warm... except this year, i can't even count the things that kept me from doing this preparation in advance and last night i discovered that my daughter has nothing warm to wear! her only pullover is in the laundry and she hated the idea of putting on something from her brother's shelve so this lead for an easier decision this morning: i won't take them to the nursery and school today... i know i'll regret that decision a few hours into the day, specially that it will be their second day in a row, yesterday they stayed at home too (sick), i also had planned tons of things to do today which are over due too.... BUT it's too cold outside for my little munchkins... how many Syrian mothers have the luxury of saying this sentence?... for hundreds of children and mothers it's "too cold INSIDE" for their families to survive... wasn't war cruel enough on them? haven't they had their share of suffering already? why is the winter of 2013 the hardest one in i don't know how many decades? 11/12/13 can never look even close to "cute" to me today...

i can clearly remember that one specific day last year when i found the perfect blanket for my son, we had moved into a new apartment where the kids have their own room and we bought our son a new bed which needed a blanket as winter approached. THIS IS IT, a red one (his favorite color) with Mickey on it (a descent cartoon character that both he and his mom like!), i could also fold it in half for a thicker cover that would still be big enough for a 3 and a half year-old boy. i proudly carried it home just on time to check out the news quickly and head to the nursery to pick the kids up... and there it was, the main headline: "Three Syrian infants died in Al Zaatari camp in Jordan because of the cold"!!!!!!!!! i couldn't stop crying, there i was "the prefect mother with the perfect expensive blanket" and i may add expensive because this year we paid 20% more for our daughter's, there i was, so helpless so depressed i almost took a scissors and cut my son's blanket into what? 6? 8? how many small blankets can we have? i wanted to send them to these tiny babies and their perfect mothers too who couldn't keep their infants warm enough so these angels went to heaven where it's perfectly warm for their fragile bodies, just as warm as should be....

so i'm running out of ideas to get myself out of this gloomy mood, i don't want my mood to match the weather or the harsh reality of the Syrian war on one hand, but i don't want to go through the day indifferent to the suffering of others, i wish i had more power and influence to sit like my munchkins do and discuss WORLD POLITICS to talk about an action plan for HUMANITARIAN INTERVENTION... why should these words be too BIG to apply in our insignificant yet effective lives...

i try to take "baby steps" along the endless path of helping others and making a difference in their lives and the best place to practice is right here and right now, at home, with these two future world leaders i'm entrusted to look after and ensure that their characters are well shaped and rounded and their bodies are well nurtured and cared for. a few days ago something happened, it usually happens once in a blue moon, i prepared a well balanced healthy and truly HAPPY meal for my kids. even though the house was messy and unclean, there were piles of laundry, toys and material from my Rihamiat project in every corner, but i felt true satisfaction and content just because of this image:

... and just when i think that my mood-changing attempts were successful, my son walks into the room (just now) and says:" ماما ممكن تدفيني أنا بردان mama could you keep me warm, I'm cold"...