Thursday, January 24, 2013

raising children vs. chasing dreams

As much as i love being a member of "mamahood", the question keeps pressing in my head: "Is this what i really want to do for the rest of my life?"
There's a famous saying in Arabic that translates: "Know one thing about everything and everything about one thing". Somehow i've managed to do the first half to some extent, widening my interests, working on my personality, living a rich live with many dimensions and interests. BUT, i haven't really reached the point where there is this ONE thing pressing on my mind to do or to live or to take to the next level or to turn into a career... etc. It took me 9 years to finish my BA (i threw in there a diploma too). i know it's unfair to say that because my BA took the normal 4 years and another year for the diploma, but the first 4 years were a shift between two completely different university majors and searching for my true passion.

if i ask myself today what dream do i have, the answer that comes to my mind is: running a daycare center, or having my own nursery. still some days i doubt that this is really what i want to do, so instead, i encourage my friends to pursue their dreams since they seem to have a more clear idea of their dreams than i have of mine. one of them has started her own business of selling clothes, another will one day listen to me and take her cake making talent into the next level and turn it into a business instead of making these amazing cakes only for friends' kids' birthday parties, including my own children.

as for my dream, i saw an ad in the newspaper about an apartment for rent, it has a garden and can be a small daycare center in the same neighborhood of our apartment and our church. first of all i thought: "what a stupid idea and a bad timing, we hardly have enough money to survive till the end of this month and here i am contemplating renting a big place to turn it into a daycare center" but then i saw no harm in calling and asking about the rent fees. with a simple calculation it turned out that we need at least 10 kids (the maximum capacity because it's a small apartment) with a high tuition in order to cover the monthly rent without even going into details about other expenses and bills!

i can't deny that this dream tasted like heaven, even if for only a few hours. i don't want to feel that i'm stuck at home with my preschooler son and toddler daughter, even though most days seem to be like that, i hate this idea. i want to cherish every single day with them and have the most fun possible, see my house (which is an apartment actually) as my very first daycare center. but i'm lonely, sleep deprived, and exhausted most of the time. so for now, i'm not chasing any dream or careers, i'm "enjoying" or trying to enjoy being a stay at home mom whose only job is raising children. don't get me wrong, i LOVE being a mom, it was one of the multiple mini dreams i've always had, but maybe what i need is somebody to assure me or a voice and a pat on the back saying: "your'e doing a great job as a mom, this is temporary, and one day you'll do a great job at your work TOO in a few year when the kids are older." so for now, i repeat these words to myself, because if i can't believe myself then i might not believe these very same words even if they came from an outside source...

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